BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

1.     Chairs and Rugs:  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2.     Doors:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.

3.     Guests:  Quickly determine which quest hates cats the most.  Sit on human's lap.  If you can arrange to have Fish N' Glop on your breath, so much the better.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur.  For example:  white furred cats go to black wool clothing.   
For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stocking or use a quick nip to the ankle. 
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look suprised and hurt when scolded.  The idea is to convey,"But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guest to the bathroom.  It isn't necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

4.     Work:  If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.  Following are the rules for hampering:

       A.  When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You can't be  seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

       B.  For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

       C.  For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze.  Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or split yarn.  The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5.     Play:  It is important.  Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2-4 am.


Begin people training early.   You will then have a smooth running household.  Humans need to know basic rules.  They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.